I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
