you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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