The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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