Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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