I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
