angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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