I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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