WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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