i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
