i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
