Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
