Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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