No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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