Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
