I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
