I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
