So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My cat gives me a boner
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Houston, we have a squirter
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
