my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Come share oat with me in your robe
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
