I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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