Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
