I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
