I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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