And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
