woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
