I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
