Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
