Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
