The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Randomize
