Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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