We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
