She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
