But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
