Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
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