Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
