New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
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