I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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