i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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