Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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