You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
