Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
