smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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