day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
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My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
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Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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