Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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