I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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