i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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