I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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