I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
