The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
