If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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