You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
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I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
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I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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