Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
