I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.