This dress was meant to end up on your floor
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way