You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
