My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
