so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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