I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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