Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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