I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
