If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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