dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
